I hate you

~

I hate you, for allowing yourself to put me through this pain. 

I hate you for picking me up so many times and throwing me down all over again, 

I hate you for having the heart to play mine. 

I hate you to actually have the guts to look me in the eye and tell me that you love me.

I hate you for not being honest. 

I hate you for giving me the best and worst memories to remember for the rest of my life.

I hate you for coming into my life and wrecking it. 

I hate you for making me look like a fool. 

But i hate myself,

 for allowing you into my life and giving you a chance to mess with my feelings,

I hate myself more for loving you. 

I won't deny that i have some strong feelings for you, but I can assure you that they will all turn into dust as time past us by. Yes i hate you but i don't blame you, i wont blame you at all, it's not your fault that i fell in love with you, i should've seen this coming, take it as I was too blind to figure it out first. But I'm strong, i know im better than this, and instead of faulting you for my heartbreak I'm gonna thank you instead, yes there'll be times i'm going to break down and cry for you and it's not because im weak, but because i tried to stay strong for too long. I thank you for giving me a chance to remind myself how deep I can fall and that i should restrain myself the next time love happens. I thank you for giving me a chance to also redeem my self worth, that i should always love myself even when someone doesn't love me anymore. I know it's against your will and I know you, no matter how much anger you show just to hide your humanity, I know the real you, a you that will be heartbroken to see me heartbroken, you're not as heartless and monstrous as you try to be, I know there's a deeper you inside all these walls, a you that was broken once and a you that's full of scars. But please don't ever put any girl into a situation that you've been in just because you're afraid, nobody deserves that and i'm not saying that you deserve to be ill treated too. That girl who put you through all those pain, it was your scars but her mistakes, it was also your battle, now you are my battle. Go to sleep tonight, close your eyes and think of me, i'll do my part and apologise for every wrong doings i've done to you to ever made you upset, but will you admit? Will you go think through every single time you've hurt me when you close your eyes tonight? Will you admit that those times that i've cried myself to sleep, or on the phone with you and those time i've cried right in your face, will you admit it was your fault, it was your wrong doing that got me into such painful situations? Because i did, i admit every pain that I inflicted onto you was my fault and I'm truly sorry. So I hope you are not as heartless as you try and put yourself out to be and feel sorry for me.

Even though you didn't apologise to me, but I want you to know, I forgive you, all those painful memories you put me through, I forgive you and I'm hoping with all my heart that you'd forgive me too.

& in whatever you do from today and whoever you date, I hope you an eternal happiness. 

-

I will always love you, xoxo 

Be Yourself

For the past few months, I've been trying to figure something out. Honestly, I was trying to figure out who I am and what I really love, I don't normally write about love stories or emotional posts because I used to find them very ordinary and cliché but I found out something and I had to really get it out there and share it with people that actually takes their time to read things that I write.

~ 

Yes I have faked myself to find myself if that's the right way to call it... I pretend to love the things that I do not quite enjoy just to 'fit in', just to make people like me, but then again it's all pretend, it's all just an act. I laugh and joke with things I don't even find funny, I walk and talk how people want me to walk and talk but that's just not who I really am. And then I realise, no, I don't like dark chocolates or horror films, I don't like making fun of people that are not as fortunate as us, maybe to some people it's funny,  but its not to me, I don't think drinking or getting drunk should be a way to actually forget our problems because everyone has problems, it is up to whether you're strong enough to face it and deal with it the right way because getting wasted for one night doesn't mean your 'problems' miraculously disappear it just means that you're too afraid to face it.

So let me tell you, 

If you wanna wear that new bralet top you bought last week but you're just too afraid to wear it out because your cleavage may show, just wear it, show a little skin what's the harm? 

or if you feel like doing some damage and spending some money to make yourself feel better, do it, who's stopping you? 

or if you're too afraid to talk to the cute guy that you've being dying to talk to, what are you waiting for? DO NOT miss your chance, it's always worth trying. 

or you're just too lazy to dress up but you wanna go out, then go out! Wear an oversized t-shirt or whatever you're comfortable in, bun your hair, wear your glasses and don't put make up. Oh hell who's gonna judge you?

or its a rainy day out and you just wanna snuggle up at home while you watch netflix and binge on junk food all day then go for it! Have a cheat day, you deserve it.

or maybe you wanna be spontaneous and kiss a guy on the first date but you're too shy to, listen to me love, sometimes we needa make the first move, there's nothing humiliating about that! 

or you just wake up wanting to doll up, wear a cute little dress with heels as high as 4 inches and you wanna cake your face with as much make up as you can even if you're just going to the movies then cake your face, you deserve to look like a doll. 

All i'm saying is that, there's nothing more beautiful and more sexy than being yourself, if it makes you happy do it, don't let anyone's opinion of you doubt your love you have for yourself because nothing in this world can make you love yourself lesser only if you allow it. It's a cruel world but it's yours, everyone has choices, to live happily or not, so why do this to yourself when you can feel good. 

"Nobody can stop anyone from saying anything about you but only you can stop yourself from caring what they have to say."

i love you, xoxo

lynn.